Blueberry Butter

Directions

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   Select the best man you
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   can
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   find, and brush him carefully to rid him of all indifference.
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   Be careful not to beat him as you would an egg,
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   for beating will make him tough and apt to froth at the
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   mouth.
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   Lift
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   him
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   gently
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    into
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    the home preserving kettle, and tie
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    him with strong bonds of affection which are not easily broken.
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    Do not sear him with sarcasm, as that causes spitting
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    and
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    sputtering, which
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    may
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    ultimately result in spontaneous
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    combustion.
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    Scramble when difficulties arise.
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    Do not soak him
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    in liquor either as excessive alcohol will make him mushy and
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    spongy
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    with your friends, and stewed husbands
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    have never been popular.
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    It
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    is
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    best
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    to
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    let him simmer tenderly at will;
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    to blend tactfully with dressing and seasonings.
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    Stuff him one
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    hour
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    before
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    taking out or before asking a favor of him.
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    A little caress will often add to his tenderness.
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    Flavor him with the oil of happiness, an ounce of understanding, and bushel of laughter and fun.
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    Should he seem weak or troubled with
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    feminine infatuation, smother him with onions and garlic, and treble your charms.